so, i've realized that i get bored of sites fast. one minute i'll be here at blogger, then livejournal and now i'm back. i think i'm sticking here. it just seems more organized and i like it better. but, i still want to keep a few of the old posts back on my livejournal, so this is the blog that'll contain all of that. so.. here goes.
past, present, future --- may 26, 2009
i'm in no rush at all to go to bed since i get to sleep in all week because i'm done with sol testing. so, as i'm sitting here bored out of my mind, i remembered that i got this really awesome new application on my ipod touch that's called 'question of the day'. i was reading a few of them the other day and i figured that this is a really cool way of getting my muse going and since i've been having a little bit too much of it lately, i'm gonna go right ahead and just ramble on and on and answer one. do you love the present more than the past? honestly, i don't think i really do. i look back on the moments that i shared with people three, four, five years ago and i smile and laugh. i remember eating cheese pizza with gummy bears and yogurt in fifth grade with samantha. i remember stealing a ripped up note and trying to put it back together rapidly in the bathroom while giggling and freaking out. i remember thinking our bikes got stolen. i remember life being so easy. i try to think back of memories i had three, four, five months ago and i can't recall one thing i could truly smile about. i think that the present would be a hell of a lot better if i could go back to the past and push myself forward in a different fashion. i wish that i had been more responsible with certain choices that i made, but i know that there i no going back now. i'm not trying to live in the past, i'm trying to make the best of my present and look forward to the future as much as the future freaks me out. i think part of the reason why i don't like the present very much is because i spend so much of it worrying about the future. i have dreams that sometimes i feel are too big for me and that ill never be able to go forward in. people ask me 'what are you going to study when you get to college?' and i always say i don't know. because, i really don't. i know what i want to do with my life though. i want to get somewhere with music. i want to sing. but, i can't fess up to that because everyone will laugh straight in my face, just like they always do. i'm so preoccupied with worrying about the future that i can't focus on the present and do something to get to whree i want to be. i'm determined to work hard in my new future to show people what i can do, though. next year i already know three performances that i'm going to audition for and i know i'm going to kick ass at those auditions and i know i'm going to kick ass in the real performance. i know i have talent and i don't need anyone telling me that, even though it is nice to hear sometimes. i just realized that that was a huge step away from what the question was actually asking, but i really don't even care. i guess that's the point of them, right? to be able to stray in your own mind and dig around to see how you're really feeling. i don't always feel it sometimes, but i have faith in myself and i know that god has a plan set out for me. he wouldn't have put these dreams in my heart if he didn't have a way already planned out for them to come to pass. i'm going to have to put my trust in him and i'm going to have to work as hard as i can possibly work to go forward. because whenever i listen to miley's music or selena's music or any song on the radio i can't help but think, 'hey.. i can do that.' because i can. just like every artist out there has their fans and the people who dislike them, i have those people to. i'm only human and so are they. some people love my voice, some people hate it. all i know is that if i'm going to be happy in life, i'm going to have to push forward with what i really love. that's my plan. i'll let you know how that goes.
rekindle an old friendship --- may 27, 2009
let me just start off by saying i have no idea what the frick i did to my hair today when i was taking a shower, but it looks horrible. it's so frustrating. i'm gonna end up having to take another shower tomorrow morning. okay, whatever. moving on. today was an alright day. i could complain, but it would be pretty darn near ridiculous. i ended up meeting up with amber around nine thirty this morning and we wandered over to starbucks, chit chatted and wandered around to waste some time. it was chill. the only thing i'm not excited for is tomorrow. hopefully it's a hundred times better than how i'm expecting it to go. i have an after school rehearsal for orchestra until four thirty. i was planning on skipping it, but mister hartman is seriously a psycho. i think he'll actually get someone to call me and talk to me on the phone if i'm not there. he did it to george. i could just be next. not only that, but i also have to work for my brother and i have absolutely no idea when that will end since it usually depends on what i'm doing. i have my homework to do and i need to finish up a chemistry project, which i got really far on today. ugh. just thinking about it is one huge stressball. no me gusta. i was thinking about doing a question of the day today. but, suddenly.. i found this lovely bible application. can you believe that? the full bible on my ipod. it's amazing. i want to go and start reading it. this friday i'm getting me a real bible. i want to feel closer to god. so that is the answer to the question of the day that i never had. i wish i was as closer to got as i felt a few years ago. i want to rekindle my friendship with him. i know that he's been right next to me, watching me and taking care of me this whole time, but i haven't been giving him as much attention. i'm sorry. i want to change that.
crazy --- may 30, 2009
i'm not blowing things out of proportion when i tell you that my day was filled with really awkward, brilliant and unexplainable situations. honestly, i don't even feel like writing out every little thing detail by detail that happened in my day, because then it's just going to end up boring me. but, i know that i really want to. just to be able to reflect back on this someday and really see what went on. anyway. i woke up this morning and realized that i didn't have a right to school. so, i called up vy and she made her way over to my house. we did the norm, just walked on over to startbucks. obviously it was no big deal. we finally get there and are walking past a bunch of stores, just about to turn into the starbucks as we approached it when i heard an all too familiar voice. the voice of someone that vy and i had been talking about when we were over at my house. andrew gray perrow. it was seriously completely unbelievable. he called out for vy and i turned over at her wide eyed. we both knew exactly who it was. honestly, i don't even know what went through my head right then and there. it was just totally shocking and i was speechless. finally he called out for me too and he shared an awkward hug with vy and i. we could barely hold a conversation with him for more than three minutes. it was about bagels and braces and being good. it was just one big collision of words that i can barely remember at this point. but, when we finally grabbed our drinks and sat just around the corner from where he was sitting i realized that i was really truly unhappy to have seen him that day. for the past two years of high school, that's all i've wanted to do. just frickin' see him. just see his face, talk to him, laugh with him like we used to. and now, i was sitting on the floor with one of my best friends talking to her when he was just around the corner. he was so far and yet he couldn't have been further away from me. obviously i was disappointed. but, what in the world was i expecting? the same kind of reunion that we had last year at macy's? the reunion where he held me for a good five minutes as i cried in his arms from happiness? yeah.. right. the truth of the matter is, i'm always going to miss andrew and i'm always going to love him so much. i don't think he realizes that though. i don't think he realizes that he's that important to someone. he may act like a total hot shot sometimes and like he's the coolest person to roam this planet, but i think that deep down he doesn't think he would ever be that important. the truth of it is, i miss the old him. i miss what we had. but, i'm not so sure i actually miss him. lately, i don't even know anything at all. other than that, i had a great night with amber and vy tonight. we went out to eat at tysons, went to barnes and noble to get me a bible (which i'm already in love with and plan on getting closer to the Lord), wandered around like total fools and laughed at anything and everything. i had an amazing time, i really did. finally, i got home and matt was putting the moves on me again over a facebook message. which will begin my rant of the day. i hate it more than anything when a boy tries to date me and doesn't know a thing about me. more than anything, i want a guy to come along and just try to be a friend to me before he tries to be anything else to me. i just want a friend at first and i want to be able to fall slowly. but, no. apparently that's too old school for these people. because the only time i've been able to do that is with andrew and it's taking me a hell of a long time to find anyone else who will give in that much time to me. who will be around as just a friend for that long. i don't hate anyone in the world, but i hate andrew for not doing all of those simple things. i just found out today that he had been planning on asking me to the eighth grade dance, but ended up asking another girl. i know, it was just an eighth grade dance, but that one night could have changed this entire outcome. it could have changed where i was last year at this very day and it even could have changed where i am right now or how i feel right now or what i'm constantly writing about. it would have changed the fact that i'm always writing about him whenever i get one of these frickin' blogs or that i'm always thinking about him whenever a certain song comes on. i wouldn't have to quote all of the old things he's said because i would have had a million and one new things to quote. this boy will never fail to amaze me with what an epic fail he is capable of creating over and over again. i was so ready to give him my heart. i really was. i just can't help but wonder what was crossing his mind today when he first saw me. i just want to be able to dig in his mind. nothing is ever going to be the same and i know it. i know i should just put this in God's hands, because he has it all planned out for me. but, that doesn't mean it makes it any easier for me, either. because everytime i see andrew i just fall all over again. that's what's going to keep on happening. always.
must be doin' somethin' right --- june 1, 2009
it's incredible how much faster my day went by today when it was a normal day. last week i got to go into school everyday three hours later and i felt like it just dragged on and on and on. i guess it was just because i actually had something to do with myself. today my day went by just like any other day. the first three classes at least. when i was heading over to orchestra with ethan and vy, i didn't expect it to be any different from any other day. but, who i saw just outside the band and orchestra room was someone i certainly wasn't expecting to see. turns out matt decided to come back to school. the same matt that has been messaging me over facebook, leaving me messages about trying to be with me. when i saw him, i had to turn back around the corner i had just turned to go to class. quite frankly, i didn't want to see him. i ddin't want to have to talk to him. i just didn't want it right then and there. because i knew it was going to be awkward. but, i got the balls to just walk over in the middle of that crowd welcoming him back, set my violin case down and wrapped my arms around him. because it's all i've ever known to do when i'm around him. and i'm not going to lie when i say that him holding me was one of the greatest feelings i've had in a while. i'm not going to lie when i say that i didn't want to leave his arms. and the way that he smiled down at me when i looked up and welcomed him back.. it was like it was straight out of a movie. you can imagine yourself in that position a million times but when you're actually there, just looking up into someone's eyes like that. damn, it's unexplainable. to say the least.. i was thinking about him the rest of the day. all through lunch. all through english. all through math. all through chemistry. all through orchestra's after school rehearsal. i just couldn't help myself. the truth of the matter is, i want to get to know him better. i really do. he seems like a fun, easy guy to be around. but, part of me wishes that he hadn't said anything over that message. that he had just gotten to know me without making a scene. i don't want things to be awkward. they weren't today. but, it was just slightly knowing that i knew exactly what was crossing his mind. part of me couldn't even believe that he was the guy who had been messaging me. because if it was this time last year, i would have done anything for him to send me that message. now, i can't help but feel like some sort of rebound. i know i shouldn't feel that way, but maybe i have the right to. i don't know what to do. so, i guess i'm just taking things one day at a time. god knows what's supposed to happen and he'll push me in the right direction. as for now, i should probably be doing my homework. not probably. i really should be doing it. i have an orchestra concert tomorrow at hb woodlawn for the first time and i'm going home with vy. i made plans wit jenwen to get a pedicure and go out to lunch. i'm seeing samantha more often. i can just see things looking up for me as summer approaches. i'm excited for the things that god has planned for me. i really am. i'm starting to look on the brighter side of things and i'm happier because of it. i just need to chill out and relax. it's the easiest way to go through life. just realized it's fifteen minutes til nine. i'm really gonna be heading off now. beijinhos mundo bonito.
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